CAROLS,

 I DO NOT LIKE.

a pick six

by Hunter Jon

Like a lot of people, I used to roll my eyes whenever a new “A Christmas Carol” adaptation was announced. Then I actually read the damn thing. I learned plenty from Dickens’ novella, the least of which being what a ‘stave’ is. Instead of chapters, the book is broken up into staves. Of course, a stave can be a verse or stanza of a poem. However, it’s more commonly used to describe the five lines on which notes are drawn when writing music, also known as a ‘staff’.

This new found knowledge of staves, and Dickens’ implementation of them, made me reconsider the title. It’s been such a familiar one my whole life that I’m afraid I’d become numb to the actual words that make it up. But the plain fact is that this story is billed as a carol. It’s a Christmas carol. I finally got it, and now believe the intent was to sing it every year, like all Christmas carols. This means that all interpretations are welcome. It seems Dickens may have even been inviting them. So, I no longer mind the glut of adaptations we get.

Having said that - boy, are there some pretty horrendous renditions out there. I rarely cover things that I don’t like around here, but before I celebrate my favourite adaptations, I feel it almost necessary to acknowledge the worst of them.

Out of the ones I’ve seen, here are my six least favourite versions of “A Christmas Carol”.

(I’ve included the appropriate amount of honourable mentions)

A CHRISTMAS CAROL (1999)

A lot of people really enjoy this one, but it’s not for me. I think it represents just how stale and tired this material can be when poorly produced. It plays it safe in every regard and I find it predictable and boring as a result. Everyone involved is simply going through the familiar motions of this narrative and you feel it. It’s also a TV movie with a captial T and V. The acting, direction and literally every other aspect never let you forget that.

 GHOSTS OF GIRLFRIENDS PAST (2009)

There are two things I like about this movie. One is Emma Stone as the Ghost of, uh, Girlfriends Past. The other is the fact that Christa B. Allen basically reprises her role from “13 Going On 30” as a young Jennifer Garner. That’s it. Those are the two things. Everything else about this movie, including its very concept, sucks. McConaughey ran as far away as he could from the rom-com genre after making this and I don’t blame him.

A FLINTSTONES CHRISTMAS CAROL (1994)

I believe there have been a ton of Flintstones Christmas specials, but unfortunately this is the only one I’ve seen. It’s a convoluted mess. Fred is starring in a local stage production of “A Christmas Carol” as Scrooge and takes his role to the next level by turning into an asshole in real life. But he’s not even visited by three ghosts! He just does the play and realizes the error of his new diva ways during the performance… or something. I don’t even know. Look, I can get past the suggestion that Dickens’ story was somehow around in the stone age, but I cannot forgive the fact that Fred merely playing Scrooge in a play. What a rip-off.

A CHRISTMAS CAROL: THE MUSICAL (2004)

I really don’t remember much about this beyond how much I disliked it and how pretty Jennifer Love-Hewitt looked. If you’ve got a hankering for a musical version of this tale, I recommend “Scrooge” from 1970 instead.

DISNEY’S A CHRISTMAS CAROL (2009)

This is Carrey and Zemeckis at their self-indulgent worst. More is more is their theory here. I don’t care how expensive and painstaking this process of hybrid animation and motion-capture is. It always ends up looking cheap, unnatural and just plain creepy. More so than ever here. What’s up with everyone’s teeth bulging out of their mouth’s? And what genre is this thing? At times it takes itself quite seriously, trying to capture the feel of a traditional period drama. Other times it shamelessly resembles the intervals on an interactive theme-park ride or in a video game. If only they’d focused on the tone like they did the staging and cinematography. The ‘camera’ flies, swoops and glides through everything like a rollercoaster. It’s an awful mess, a huge waste of talent and, perhaps saddest of all, entirely unnecessary in the first place.

AN AMERICAN CHRISTMAS CAROL (1979)

This is bad to begin with. Then add Ebenezer not only being played by Henry Winkler, but a thirty-something Henry Winkler (still on “Happy Days”, mind you) who’s wearing some of the worst old age make-up you’ve ever seen. Look, it can be done. Albert Finney did it so well that you tend to forget he was 33 when he played the role. And like I said, this casting is far from the movie’s only issue - the whole thing is terrible. But, being subjected to Fonzie’s withered, melting, lizard-looking face for most of this makes it almost unwatchable.

EBENEZER (1998)

Have you ever thought that Dickens’ immortal classic was better suited to the Old West? Ever wished a snarling, leather-faced Jack Palance played an alcoholic Scrooge who delights in correcting poor grammar and has a peculiar distain for whittling? Ever wanted to put muttonchops on Albert Schultz and watch him attempt Bob Cratchit? Always thought this story could use a brand new character for Ricky Schroder to play? Ever wanted to see a Native American Ghost of Christmas Past, opening the door for all sorts of horrifically racist dialogue? Well, have I got the made-for-television movie for you, my friend!

A CAROL CHRISTMAS (2003)

This is basically a Hallmark Channel re-working of “Scrooged” starring Tori Spelling. She plays a woman named Carol (genius). It’s exactly what you expect - no better, no worse… alright, maybe a wee bit worse. Super fun fact: William Shatner’s appearance as the Ghost of Christmas Present led to him being cast in “Boston Legal”. Even funner fact: Gary Coleman is actually quite good as the Ghost of Christmas Past.

AN AMERICAN CAROL (2008)

This David Zucker directed spoof is about an unpatriotic documentary filmmaker named Michael Moore - er, I mean, Michael Malone - who is visited by the traditional four spirits, but on the 4th of July instead of Christmas. They happen to be the ghosts of JFK (played by Chriss Anglin), George S. Patton (Kesley Grammer), George Washington (Jon Voight) and the Angel of Death (Trace Adkins). Together they show Malone (played by Chris Farley…’s brother, Kevin Farley) the error of his liberal ways and by the film’s end he’s a changed man who now loves his country. Somewhere along the way Leslie Nielsen appears as a terrorist named Osama bin Nielsen. This is a real movie, guys.